By Kelley Russell-DuVarney and Marilyn Orr Vision Coaching
In today's fast-paced corporate environment, leaders often hear the call for "better communication" while simultaneously being told to keep emotions out of the workplace.Â
Yet this paradoxical demand misses a fundamental truth: meaningful connection – the kind that drives innovation, resolves conflicts, and builds resilient teams – is inherently emotional.
Active listening has become a staple of leadership training but it often misses the mark.Â
Traditional active listening techniques position one person as the speaker and another as the listener, creating a one-sided dynamic that fails to capture the mutuality essential for genuine connection.
What if instead of focusing on being better individual communicators, we shifted our attention to what we create together? This "me to we" transition transforms difficult conversations from opposing monologues into collaborative dialogues.
Science of connection
Research shows that human development doesn't happen in isolation – it occurs within connections.Â
When we experience high-quality connections, both parties know it intuitively through physiological and emotional responses. Our bodies literally respond differently when we feel deeply connected versus merely heard.
These high-quality connections demonstrate three key characteristics:
Emotional carrying capacity (ECC): The ability to express a wider range of emotions – both positive and negative – in constructive ways
Mutuality: Reciprocal responses that acknowledge shared responsibility for the conversation
Joint situation building: Creating something new together rather than defending pre-existing positions
Consider how a symphony orchestra creates something beautiful through collective performance. Each musician contributes their part while simultaneously responding to others, creating a whole greater than the sum of its parts. This pattern recognition – similar to what happens in choirs or successful construction project teams – represents communication at its most powerful.
Let’s take a look at some practical steps for creating mutual connection.
Before the conversation:
Set quality expectations: Rather than focusing solely on resolving issues, aim first for a high-quality connection.
Choose mutuality: Consciously adopt a mindset that "we can learn and grow together."
Make generous assumptions: Identify positive qualities in the other person before engaging.
During a difficult conversation:
Anticipate emotions: Prepare for both positive and negative emotions to emerge.
Build jointly: Approach the conversation as co-creating a solution rather than winning an argument.
Pivot when challenged: When tension rises, try responses like:
"Can you say more about that?"
"I'm feeling disconnected right now. How are you experiencing this?"
"I cannot imagine what that feels like for you."
Practise makes progress
Start with small moments. Practise these approaches in low-stakes situations so that when significant challenges arise, you have the skills ready. Ask yourself: "Am I treating this person as though we are intrinsically bonded?"
Moving beyond individual relationships
This shared mutuality approach extends beyond individual relationships. Consider how it might transform:
Client interactions
Cross-departmental collaborations
Coaching relationships
By mapping what each side wants, identifying emotional triggers, and planning conversations based on generous assumptions, we can break through communication barriers that have seemed insurmountable.
The next time you face a difficult conversation, remember: the goal isn't perfect communication or even conflict resolution – it's creating a high-quality connection through which solutions naturally emerge.Â
In difficult times, it's not better communication techniques we need, but deeper connection through mutual emotional presence.
This article is inspired by insights shared by John Paul Stephens, a professor at the Weatherhead School of Management, Case Western Reserve University, from the 2024 Institute of Coaching Conference.
Kelley Russell-DuVarney, MA, PCC, is a leadership coach with Vision Coaching. Marilyn Orr, M.A., CEC, PCC, is Coaching Services Manager at Vision Coaching and a leadership coach. Marilyn and Kelley co-facilitate an organizational program based on the principles presented in this article titled: Amplifying Connection at Work. Contact Vision Coaching for more information.